A Personal Struggle - The Heart of Things

I would consider myself a highly sensitive dude. Not someone who gets offended and blasts at everything, but someone who just feels deeply. I can hear a song and relate to it a little too much and cry. Someone does me wrong and it messes up my head. And something I struggle with more than a lot, is the "why" behind a lot of things; especially as a Christian. I know that my own heart is now one of flesh and not of stone, and it shows.

While the Bible does in fact tell us that we should clean our minds, and do things for the right reasons, I struggle with others and their unclean heart of stone. I work in tech and I am often surrounded by the lost; people who don't believe, people who are stuck in logic loops, and people who treat others like resources rather than humans. I always like to go back to the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus preaches things lust for example... where it's not good enough that you didn't act on your lust, but in your soul and mind you lust; it's just as bad, if not worse. What's inside of you eventually comes out.

So now combine this knowledge and my sensitivity, and you end up with this weird soup of being affected by others, which allows you to see into their hearts and what they've created.

One of the things that bugs me quite a bit working for a large company is the drive behind a lot of folks and their hearts, and how much their successes are celebrated. Not that we shouldn't be kind and loving towards one another, we absolutely should, but I always questions what's behind the flesh here. A company will set it's main goal and objective from "delivering the best product" to "we want to make X amount of money." While yes, they still preach about the best product, the main goal of the company is to make money... greed. That greed, it drives the entire company.

The thing here is, you would expect greed to be the downfall of that company, but let's be real; it's often the thing that makes the company successful. Money becomes the main driver of what you're building, you build a better quality product to sell for more, people become salaries, technology becomes cost, hard work becomes efficiency. The entire mindset of the company now revolves around the bottom dollar... and it works.

My sensitivity starts kicking in here... well because I don't care about the bottom dollar here. I know the fruit, despite the product's quality, how much it helps, etc., I know that the fruit it rotten because I can taste it; in my job, in it's effect on others, and what the culture of the company boils into.

I also know that whatever is made, whatever evil or horrible action, God can use for good. So my confusion lies there. Is what I am doing worth it if I am helping create the rotten fruit? Or is my purpose to be the tree that grows good fruit in a dead field? Or... am I here, eventually waiting to be infected by the poison of greed and produce the same rotten fruit alongside the rest of the trees... I don't know. And that bugs me.

So I want to dig a little deeper here on what I mean by the last statement using the personal struggle I have. This right here is the real reason I even decided to write this, because it relates to the heart very directly.

Purpose is what something is for. It was built, created, or someone does something for a reason. Purpose is highly flexible. If you say, have a project that aids the company in becoming better, everyone can work on that same project pulling from different purposes; some may see the project as an efficiency gain, some see it as a way to reduce toil, others may see it as a way to sell more things. BUT, you draw purpose from internally, and that's where intention comes in.

Intention is the heart behind what you do. If you are a leader, intention is of utmost importance. A lot of don't think this way though... we tend to use intention for personal gain or recognition, and we alter the purpose and preach the purpose and not the intention. If you are say leading a project, but you have no passion for that project, you're literally doing with the intention of not losing your job. Seems reasonable, but you know deep down... it's kind of selfish. You could care less about what that project does for others, because in your heart, you care not; you just don't want to lose your job. However, when you hop into talk about your project, you talk about it's purpose, what it's supposed to do for others, and what it can do; you don't ever reveal that you could not care any less and you just need to keep your job.

At work especially but also in other areas of life, you tend to be on the other side of that. More often than not as well, intention is very thinly veiled with purpose; in meaning you can see right past it.

Something I've experienced very recently was a leader who took on far too many projects, but they have multiple teams and people underneath them. They pitched a new team, stating the purpose of the future, and what we'll need. Great. Except that particular leader, started being really pushy, started getting in nose in where he honestly shouldn't be, and is cutting corners and rushing things that really shouldn't be rushed. During a meeting, an update was provided, and there was a lack of clarity on the projects he was running, and this man got very defensive, stating that there's no "hidden agenda" or "motive behind the scenes." He would proceed to talk about the focus of what needed to be done and why it was important... which really did have something to do with the team, but was just odd. The whole interaction was just odd. After thinking about this... I realized it was a classic case of projection. There was not a single part of that update that accused anyone of hiding things; the update was just that there needed to be more clarity.

Suddenly, the pieces fell into place; the intention behind the new team wasn't what he pitched as the purpose; it was to keep his butt here by having a team that would be able to handle two of his projects that weren't being completed because he couldn't figure out how to do it using the same poor ways he did before (there's a pattern here I won't get into). The intention of why this new team existed was selfish, and while I won't go into the mess that came before and after, just know that everything that had been happening was very antithetical to what that team was supposed to be doing. The team was being used, rather than built.

Here's the thing; having this team at the company is a good choice. Our company needs a team like this. However, not to sound dramatic, but the team was built on lies. From the communication, to the half baked implementation, to the very purpose of why this leader wanted the team to exist; it was all a lie. And where am I in all of this you may ask? Well, I am managing this new team.

Imagine how conflicted I feel. Leading a team who's purpose is lie, the intention behind what I need to accomplish is selfish, and somehow I am supposed to be okay with that and just "happy and excited" about the new role. No wonder I've had so many run-ins with this dude. But the real struggle is internal...

...is what I am even doing the right thing?

Furthermore, what is the right thing? Am I supposed to take the situation as is and turn it into something good? Am I supposed to standup and retaliate for the sake of the truth? Do just abandon this because it affects me so heavily that I need to get to a place where I can fill my soul with light to overflow on others?

These are questions I ask myself every single day. It's funny how when life is going well we never question it... but when challenge or misery enters the chat, suddenly life turns from black and white to grey. It becomes almost colorless all together when you start considering that what you're doing, regardless of what you make of it, often plays into something bigger, and when that bigger thing (like leader or company goals) you know has poor intentions and isn't the right move.

What I crave more than anything is to find that beautiful intersect; where intention, purpose, and filling of the soul all align. What I've learned though, is even when it does, it doesn't last. Things change, people change, and we're always moving forward because time is linear. Most of the time I find myself not in the intersect, but instead having to choose; do I fill my soul but feed poor intention? Do I go along with great intention and great purpose, but empty out my soul to do it? If this thing drains my soul and has poor intentions, do I search for purpose to get through it? If it has poor intention, no or negative purpose, and it's draining... do I even continue at all?

And often the more I think about, the more confusing it gets... well even though it's poor everything and it kills me, I know it's a good move and it should happen, but I struggle work inside that particular mindset. What's even the point? Is self-sacrifice really what's needed here? What happens when the person who is having you do this thing, but the person beneath them has great intentions and purpose... is the core really the problem? Are we taking evil and turning it for good? Or are we just feeding it? Do I confront those intentions? Do I derive a better intention or purpose?

I could find 30 ways to spin this positively, knowing the original intention is negative, full of pride, and ultimately for self gain.

Life is full of questions unanswered.

I know all of this is temporary. Even if you work for the fastest growing company in world... 200 years from now, their name won't even exist. That's like 2-3 generations. Whatever you're building, won't last. Death comes for us all, just like it does for every living thing on earth.

And with that, I constantly have to remind myself that I am NOT the "main character" of the world, and this isn't my story I am playing out. It's part of a greater narrative, one I can either carve a side story out that will be forgotten, or I can be a small part of the big story.

Nothing I do on this planet in the 60-80 years I will around will matter. All of my clothes, houses, work, accomplishments, music, creations, stories, and heck, even kids, will all likely be gone in about 2 generations according to studies done around this (some studies show it's just 1).

Hence, I am insignificant. In the realm of time, space, and story, I have very little meaning and impact to anything.

Death comes to take it all away. There is no choice, there are no options. Inevitability is all there is.

Being a follower of Christ, I know my eyes should be on Him. Much like the story of Peter walking on water, that's my focus. The problem I run into though, is at least Peter knew what he was getting into, he knew the dangers, and he trusted anyway. I don't feel like it's that simple. I don't even know what I am asking for at this point... just... peace?

Even if you aren't Christian, the answer still lies in what is beyond. You still have to place your eyes on the goal, on the "something bigger" in your life. If you happen to manage life without any sort of purpose, I commend you; because I can't even find the will to live without it. We are insignificant.

In the end, despite all of this, we have to understand that love transcends all. It's not bound by time, intention, purpose, or the soul. In fact, it's what fills all of those things. The more love you put into something, the better it will become... and love is a choice, not only of what you choose, but when and where you choose to put it. I really don't like that people put love of money and business over people. But who am I to judge?

We should keep moving forward. Regardless. Everything we do, we should do with great love to one another... not the love of money, the world, or life.

That is all.