A Real Walk - Work For Jesus

I don't exactly know what I am doing when it comes to this article, yet I feel like I need to write this. Maybe it's to work out my own thoughts, or maybe it might help someone through some sort of time they might be going through similar to mine.

I would describe what comes next as an incomplete struggle. This is why I chose to call this article "A Real Walk" - I am in the midst of struggle and confusion, and yet I am trying my best to follow God, yet I am still a baby in Christ. I have not yet matured to the point of where my entire life belongs to God... which is sad to say because I want to be there, but I know I spent at least 2 decades without it, and I am very used to life under my own control, where my own actions, thoughts, and reasons belong to me. I am not yet used to being worked through, but rather working for.

In fact I would argue that all of my "Christian" articles here are of the same mind; more of the struggles and discoveries I make in my walk with Christ, and how I am learning to live for the glory of God, and not to service people of this world for God.

23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. - The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Col 3:23–24.

While here, I don't need to start from the very beginning, but I will touch on some of the beginning. A couple of years ago, I felt a calling... one to simply read the Bible. I had this undying, relentless thought that just never left my mind or soul; buy a Bible. Now at the time, I hated spending any kind of unnecessary money, so I was like trying to appease this call by just using what I had. No though, that wasn't good enough. I eventually ended up at a Mardel's and I bought the AMP Bible as my first, intentionally bought Bible. Regardless of what you think about this particular translation, from the very first chapter in Genesis, my heart was changing.

So why bring that up? Since that point, Jesus has made it a point to shake up my entire existence. Where I once had normalcy, calm, focus, and a handle on things... it was like that no longer. I started therapy to address focus issues and uncovered so much. I did deep dives and research on the Bible, I followed apologetic creators, and I started realizing the power of God and the Holy Spirit in my life. I started seeing the God given talents I had, that were practically being wasted. I started to see the priority of family. I started feeling conviction over my vehicles, my music, where I spend my time, and what I chose to do. I start hearing myself talk and realize that I am not representing the Lord all that well.

This brittle house that I had built that I call my life, that I had meticulously placed every brick myself, that gave me the comfort and fun, was now collapsing. Why you ask? Well it's simple; none of it was glorifying God. Me owning a souped up sedan that goes fast does nothing to advance the kingdom. Having a "manager" title and following the rules of the company was not helping bring folks to Christ. My language and actions were selfish, ambitious, and money is fleeting. All the good ways my life was advancing came to a screeching halt, and I started to realize the pit I put myself in.

"My gosh, why in the world would you even consider following Christ at this point?" - Because I know what he did my friend. I've experienced God, I feel the Holy Spirit working for good. I've seen God's underserving grace upon my life when I didn't even really believe. How do you repay the one who gave everything for you? This mortal coil is nothing but dust in the wind compared to what comes next. Is what I really want to live an "easy" life and spend eternity away from the creator that gave me everything, or do I want suffer with my God, following Him and ensuring I save others in the same way I've been saved?

I know what I am going through is good, because God put me in it. That's what I have to remind myself all the time.

Here's where I admit again, not in my strength of faith or of my unbounding knowledge, that I am still not a mature Christian. My thoughts run wild, my body does things I don't want to, and I tend to wrap myself up in false idols; music, my job, my family, sin, and everything in between. God keeps pulling me out of it though. He brings me to the edge of what I am capable of, because the only way I am going to learn to let go is by being destroyed in the flesh, and remade in the glory of Christ.

However, it's never really that simple for us, is it? It's a simple ask, but it feels like an impossible action. Follow Christ, great, but how am I suppose to live in today's society without money, food, and transportation? The answer is through faith and trusting that God has got it... but we don't do we? We know our mortgage bill is coming up, and we think "Hold on a sec God, I gotta pay the bills." I am sure Jesus is up there facepalming for me all day.

"Is this not a real walk? Are you going to get to anything specific?" - Okay fine, sure. Lately my walk with Christ has brought me into questionable positions at my current job. Yes, trouble in paradise in the place where I've worked for many years, now suddenly a huge struggle, facing a lot of challenges, and I might be at actual risk to lose it.

At first I was like... well whatever God has my back, it's all good. That developed into, well all this is absolutely miserable and I am terrible at everything I am being told to do, so it's a sign I should leave. I work with a particular person who's shady, he's lied to me, he's been very critical of me, and he's a got a lot of influence and power, and I am on his bad side; I should correct him, I should run away from him, I should just please him. Then my weaknesses were on full display for weeks, causing me a lot of stress, anxiety, fear, among other things. I wasn't completing the work I needed to. What am I to do here?

My first human instinct is always change. Don't like your boss? Change positions. Don't like the work you do? Change jobs. Don't like the role you're in? Change roles. Why you ask? Well I recognize my faults. I am not good with people, confrontation, or conversation. Also, I am not one about taking a whole lot of risk in general. And throughout the past few years at this job, I've actively worked in that fashion... and now into a corner.

I've been a leader over a team I was an engineer in for 3+ years, excelling at everything I touched, helping people immensely, and doing all the right things. As a leader in the beginning, it was great. I got to be an engineer and leader, make the changes I wanted to, and really warp the team into something great. In fact I did so great, but I was overwhelmed. I convinced my boss we needed help, and he created a plan that pushed me up another leader level, and then I got a set of leaders beneath me. Great... except I stopped getting to do work. I learned the power of delegation and helping others succeed. I gave out every piece of advice, strategy, and all that I had to everyone else, until I had nothing left. Nothing left but the things I was terrible at; telling people what to do, having conversations, building relationships, doing HR paperwork and training, etc. So I expressed my concerns that I was not qualified, nor did I enjoy being a leader. Yet, they had no place for me, so they moved me to another team... where I now have a second boss that is terrible leader, a team of brilliant engineers I don't know what to do with, and a new set of technology that is... less than interesting to me I'll say.

Here I am at an interesting crossroads. My skills have degraded over the past 1.5-2 years, I don't qualify for an engineer position that would pay the same. I am not a great leader, so despite whether I stay or leave, I don't want to do this again. Job hunting in today's market is brutal, so I really don't want to leave the company either. The reality of the situation is I am in a terrible spot, with some poor leadership, half baked projects and a team, and a job that I not only could not care less about, but that I am actively doing terrible in. There's no where to go.

My mind spins every day. God, what do you want me to do? I follow all the paths and receive either fear or silence, which tells me it's not the right thing to do. It's not what God wants. I should tell off my boss, correcting his behavior. I should go to HR and make a formal complaint. I wouldn't be doing this out of love though... it's about revenge, so that's not what I should be doing. Well, if I am stuck I should leave and go do something else - yet I am filled with fear and every time I go to update my resume, conviction sets in hard. I complain, spill my heart out to everyone who will hear, and I get to see the true colors of many, yet it does me no good to help put me in a place where it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart. I look for opportunity and point it out, and I get blocked every time. Maybe I should turn this job into whatever I want it to be so I can excel! However I can't, because of the mountain of work and effort that's on my plate.

As a man, I will be honest here; this job has made me so miserable that I've cried, shut down. I've curled up in a ball on the floor and prayed that things would change. It sounds pretty pathetic, but that's the truth of where I am at. I've been so focused on trying to fill myself up with light, so I can let that spill over into others, so I can help light the way for others, yet, I have no fuel, I have no light, I only have the void and depravity of depression and weakness.

I ask myself the same question. Where is the light at the end of this tunnel? I've been given so much grace here... if it wasn't for my boss being such a fantastic and caring person, I am pretty sure anyone else would've fired me by now. I've been an absolute mess. So that, I can thank God for. My boss was placed over me in this season, and I think he was put there, to keep me here, because I think... God is trying to challenge me. I am soaked in work that highlights my weakness. I am pressured to point of chest pain. I am so not interested in anything I am doing that I am bored, despite having a plate of work... yet I can't escape. There is no relief, and by the grace of God, I still somehow remain here. So let's be honest with myself for a second... what am I hearing from God? What information is the Holy Spirit giving me?

Be still, be silent. Walk this path not for people, not for your family, not for you, but for God. Act out of love. Let God shine through your weakness. This is not you writing the wrong story; this is you living out God's story. Let Him lead, you follow. Work for the Lord. Shepherd what has been given to you.

I have to take a step back. This is NOT me on the other side of this. This is me currently in it. I don't know, nor will I likely ever know God's Will or story. What I can say, is that these things, while I did not receive them in a pretty paragraph format, they have come to me piece by piece, to lead me along here. They are not words of hope, but rather words of humbling.

I talk a lot. I complain a lot. I want change so bad, that I infect any other human being around me with my misery. I am told to be still and silent, because the thrashing and words are only hurting me, and others. I am told to work for God, because I struggle with helping my enemies. I am no greater than them, in fact I am a reflection of them - as much as it absolutely angers me to say that. I should let love and kindness trample and change my enemies... by way of doing of letting God do it through me. My weaknesses are on full display, but I know I can do what I have, but my mind is weak. Maybe he's working on a redemption arc? Or maybe it's that last point... where I was given this position by God to do it, and I am letting my sheep wander off the path and not even caring where they go, being a terrible shepherd. I keep trying to forge my own path here... and it's never been mine to forge to begin with; it's the path of God. He's in control, not me.

I think... I am going let God do His thing here. I need to stop fighting all this. I need to accept and move forward. I am so scared I'll end up doing this forever, and maybe that's God's plan and I need to accept it. It's not my story. It's not my life.

Everything I do, should be to glorify our Lord and Savior Jesus. God should be the focus of life. Right now, I am doing such a poor job representing Him in my life - why would my misery, stress, complaining, and shut downs bring anyone to know Jesus? It doesn't, however that doesn't mean God can't use my insolence and disobedience for His good. He can and He will.

So I think my "go forward" plan here is this -

• Don't have a plan - have faith that God has got this. A little at time, in moment.
• Stop complaining, stop vocalizing. Listen and act with love and compassion.
• Learn to operate and shepherd this position the best I can to turn things around. God's will is above mine; so let His will lead me.
• Remember when people do wrong, when people are dishonest or ugly to me, it's not them I serve; they will get God's justice, and I should not concern myself with delivering or suffering on behalf of God, that's His job. Mine is to serve and act with love and compassion, representing God and Jesus the best I can.
• I need to pray more throughout this. I need to, as my church puts it, remember who you represent.
• When I feel nervous or anxious, I need to pray and remember I don't serve people, I serve the Lord. Push through it, because it's not my story.

Anyway, I hope this helps someone along their journey. Life is kind of a mess, but it's for God. I should treat it that way.