ADHD & Goal Setting

Goal setting is about the must frustrating thing on the face of the planet for me. Like logically, it makes perfect sense; you have something you need to work towards and just make sure you get there. The problem with goals are that I can't do anything with them because my mind is utterly unpredictable. It's an analysis machine and it's very picky on what it works on and why.

I've got a short story on the site about planners... and this is different. Planners just try and lay out what you're going to do. Goals are basically the foundation for that. I don't know about y'all, but that can literally change from hour to hour. Today my goal could be to read 10 books by the end of the year. Tomorrow it will be to release music. The next day it will be to make a successful blog. Next week it's simply keep the house clean. Next thing you know, sometime later I realized I made little to no progress anywhere and I just feel defeated.

Here's another struggling aspect; I am a leader at my job, a middle manager. I got there pretty much because my ADHD wouldn't let me complete routine tasks, so I made them interesting, more efficient, and ended up creating a whole lot of good out of it... so much so that I got promoted. I got to shape the team basically to my ADHD will. Apparently I succeeded there too. Some problems however, that I keep running into is that I am inconsistent, I forget crap, and the subject of this article; goals are awfully frustrating.

But why? Here's my experience.

Especially businesses going through large transformations or large scale adoptions or operations, things constantly change. You never know when another major hot button issue causes everyone to shift gears and thus, boom, another initiative is born. The problem I have is they often stack. It's like... I have a team that manages the workload, barely mind you, and it seems like every month, a new 3-6 month initiative drops. Somehow we're expected to make goals at the beginning of the year, add 6-8 new major projects, and somehow complete the goal from the start? I don't get it. Why aren't we altering our goals?

Let's also consider personally. Let's say we want to get a new car. Well we need cash. Having to remember twice a month to store away some savings is hard enough, but remembering what we're supposed to be buying and what we need to get there? Something goes wrong with the current car, house or kid stuff happens, and life just gets in the way.

Even with personal goals, as someone with ADHD, often my attention bounces between dreams. I want to do this today, that tomorrow, and then the struggle of having to start something and it being complicated, then all the interruptions of work and family... it's all just overwhelming. I couldn't keep my head on straight if that's all I ever thought about.

Here's where logic kicks in; I know I am supposed to focus. I know I am supposed to push past it, keep on keeping on if you will. Build habits that ensure progress is always made... but that doesn't happen. I am terrible at all those things. Thanks brain.

Goals are a vision. It's that I am at point A, and I want to be at point Z, and there's 24 things in between. So between some self-determined time frame, I am going to set milestones, or mini-goals to get there. The problem is for me that the visions are unclear. I can picture myself today, right now, in 8 different positions by the end of 2026.

The other thing goals represent and is essential to goal setting is understanding the importance of why that vision needs to happen. Here's the problem though; my brain doesn't comprehend importance; it comprehends urgency. It doesn't understand requirements or priorities; it understands interests and novelty. Logically I get it, but I don't actually operate off of consequence.

So at work, it all plays out okay... until month 11 day 15, when I realize I need to do a year's worth of goals I forgot about in the next like 9 business days (because holidays). Thing is, that's when hyperfocus will kick in, well because my entire livelihood is on the line. Sometimes it's sooner, but for the most part that's usually how it goes. The problem becomes how stressful that is. It ends up being half baked at best under a ton of pressure, guilt, and confusion. I'll remind myself all year to tackle it and never will. Then at the last second, I'll pull a clutch and be a hero.

My true dilemma comes at home, with the things I want to do. I have a demanding corporate job that exhausts me, two kids, I work from home, and I tend to take care of everything to prevent ADHD guilt. Don't ask, I know it's not the best solution, but it keeps me sane. There's always something urgent, demanding, or some interesting problem happening I need to solve for.

Now here's a point; I am pumping out articles left and right at the time of writing this article. I've been on this platform for like a month, and I've gotten in a groove. I'll likely hit 30 articles before the end of next week. It's novel. It's interesting. And to top it off, it gets a lot out of my head to clear it... at least temporarily. So yay, I found a great intersection. But... I've wanted to do this for over a decade. I also write music. I've got a variety and some odd like 54 incomplete to fully complete songs ready to work on and release. I want to eventually launch a few projects with it. I also have wanted to make YouTube videos longer than any of that. I have a few started, but incomplete.

That being said... how many times do you think I've made a goal for these things and still never got to it? Every couple of months I make goals, or some sort of decision to do something. They fall flat every time. There's not a single dream I seek that I haven't been thinking about for at least a decade. Why? Let's get to the other point here.

I have yet to figure this out. When I do, I'll let everyone know... but I have some theories.

Theory #1 - The world does goal setting in a specific way, usually SMART goals. Here's the problem with those. I can't keep a schedule, measurements are nebulous, and urgency isn't there. It doesn't matter if my slate is clean or not, I can't do it. There's nothing that gives me the sense of urgency, and often by the end of planning using SMART, the novelty and interest is gone. This theory means that there's got to be something other than SMART out there that actually would help me do this effectively.

Theory #2 - For my ADHD brain to succeed, it needs a limited playground; not a conveyor belt. A conveyor belt goes from point A, to B, to C, and so on. A playground just has a bunch of crap to play with, and eventually you'll do everything you need to. The problem in corporate life is they need those updates and numbers, and you can't provide them. Because out of the 5 steps they've laid out, you've done step 1, 4, and prepared 5... but they are still waiting on 2 and 3. Bad you. In your personal life, finding that balance is nearly impossible because your playground is either shrinking or expanding, all while a bunch of kids keep showing up to play. Finding a good balance is difficult. The theory is that most systems are built like conveyors, and not like playgrounds, thus making ADHD a hard spot to work with others.

Theory #3 - We have to train our brains to create interest or urgency, without outsmarting it... somehow. Now that may not look like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, but it may look like 1, 4, part of 5, a little bit of 2, some of 3, finish 4 because you forgot something, add a 3.5, finish up 2, etc. The theory is in order to do goals, instead of inherently having what we need, we also need to include the INCUP things that really drive us.

Either way you get the point. An ADHD brain doesn't work like the average person's does. It looks weird, feels weird, and operates differently. It's not bad, it just doesn't work like you'd expect it to.

I struggle with this a LOT. If my job gives me some garbage thing to do, I can't often pull myself to do it. As a manager, I can also delegate, but half the time I shouldn't. What that's grown into is me emptying my plate on others... and it doesn't feel great honestly.

I've thought about this a lot, and the purpose and the way I feel about the task is so incredibly essential to general operation. Things that are fulfilling with a clear purpose and it's interesting, I'll hop all over it and do it with a smile on my face. Whereas if there's something that feels utterly pointless, does nothing for me, or it isn't ready to do... I tend to very strongly disagree with doing it at all.

This creates a very strong and suffer-filled struggle within me. I know I need to do this because it's external necessity, not judgement, and it's required of me in my role... but you know, this other thing just came up and it looks super interesting, I have questions. Do that, come back. Why in the hell would I even attempt this? Who's bright idea was this absolute stupidity?

The same thing sort of happens with personal life but in a different way. I know I have convictions, talents, and sometimes even a real heavy interest in the things I do. Sometimes they just keep my hands busy. The problem then becomes starting. The lower the barrier to entry, the more likely it is to get done... but most of the time, the setup is defeating in itself. Like if I want to record a guitar riff, having to open programs, plug in cables, etc., and that itself I feel very strongly about and it will prevent me from accomplishing anything. And that all depends on first, by if I feel like doing it or not. There's a level that discipline can correct, but in the ADHD brain, there's a level that just cannot be bypassed because our brains aren't built to be "disciplined" out of it.

Not to mention here; urgency is so hard to create when you know it ain't needed. It's urgent that I spruce up the house for pictures when we sell it. It's not so urgent that my music that has been sitting around for more than a decade should be finished and released.

Feelings and purpose play such a vital role.

Energy is so limited for me, and I've recognized that my ADHD can be my best friend, or the absolute toilet of my life. I'll provide 4 examples here to show you what I mean:

1. I have a phone call I need to make at 3pm. It's 7am, I know unless I don't think about it all day, I will indeed get wrapped up in something and forget. Not mention my brain doesn't like phone calls, so it's going to try and protect me all day. I'll go in a loop, defeating and finding purpose. By the time 3pm comes, I make the call but have no energy afterwards and I did nothing before. It lasted 5 minutes.
2. The stars align and I hyperfocus on this insanely cool project. I learn a new skill in tech after just 3 hours, and I build an automation that reduces a task's time and effort, thus increasing turnaround time and freeing us of this crappy task after 10 hours of straight hyperfocus. Afterwards, I am amped up and ready to dive into something else.
3. My entire week is full of really small, seemingly simple tasks that I disagree with, don't the see purpose in, and think all of it is stupid. I spend all week staring at the screen getting extremely frustrated that I can't just do this... what is essentially around 2 hours of work on my plate until I just give up on it all. The entire week I feel exhausted, unfulfilled, and I literally did none of them. 40 hours of my life were spent in shutdown and I have no energy.
4. I wake up and decide that I have energy to take on some small tasks. I end up filling the next 3 hours of instant dopamine hits of small wins, resulting in a wave of accomplishment and desire for more dopamine. Eventually, I'll hit tasks that I hate doing (the same ones that shut me down in #3) and I'll breeze through them with my high.

Oh did I forget to mention, I can't actually control any of this? I can't control what gives me dopamine on any given day. I can't control what my mind refuses. I can't control when hyperfocus kicks in. And I can't remember stuff, so #1 is practically required. I can however, minimal promote some of it, but it'll change at some point very rapidly.

Which goes back to the point of goals... if I can't get a handle each day's energy, how the heck am I supposed to handle a full month, a year, or multiple years? I don't live in the future, I live in the moment. I have to. I don't have a choice.

Time is strange for me. It's an energy sucker in itself, because if I am to focus and remember meetings and calls, to pay bills, to do certain things, I need to practically use 1/4 of my energy forcing myself to stare at the clock everyday. It's 9:11am and I have a call in 19 minutes, now it's 9:13pm so it's in 17 minutes, 9:20, 9:25, 9:27, etc. Not only is it draining, but I can't focus either. If I start and get into anything, then time will inevitably be lost. So for that 19 minutes before that meeting, I quite literally end up spending 19 minutes looking for something that I can do that won't affect my ability to remember that meeting, and end up doing nothing.

In regards to goals, there's also the time it may take to do it. In fact, my brain often thinks so far ahead that it ends up in one of two areas for timeframes; either the task is stupid simple and I've broken it down so analytically that I see the perfect path forward, or I see every single roadblock, problem, person, and issue that is going to arise with it. So I either severely underestimate it or severely overestimate it.

I have no idea what it is going to look like on any given day. There is a logical perspective - a 30 minute work meeting, a 5 minute call with the house builder, etc. - but then there's also all around it that affects my day. If I have to remember that 5 minute phone call at 3pm, then 5 hours of my day may just be searching for simple things I want to do.

For your average person, time blocking and management is quite effective. "I have 1 hour here to do what I choose before my next meeting." Despite distractions, despite knowing that meeting is coming up, and also knowing they can create the focus they need for like 45 minutes, take a break, and that 1 hour gets used quite effectively. My hour looks incredibly different. I say I have an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year... but every distraction becomes another task, every meeting needs to be recalled and remembered, all the things I need to do have to fit that time frame. Typically if I have a meeting that ends at 10am, and my next is 11am, I get nothing done in between those two meetings.

Again, if I can't do it for 1 hour, how the heck do I do it for a major long term goal?

Remember a while back when I mentioned that theory of operating best in a playground? That's the foundation of a goal for me. It may seem odd, but the feasibility of me accomplishing anything is my ability to be contained, not to be directed. Yes, I am well aware this is antithetical to what a goal is supposed to be; it's something that guides you to the north star.

This absolutely defeats systems like SMART for me entirely, because the very first thing in that framework is "specific," and you've already lost me, because my passion or purpose could change at any time and if you're that specific, what happens when that specific thing doesn't align with the way I think? This also defeats the "well you can do what you want" goals, because it's not contained at all, so I become overwhelmed. The "perfect porridge" in this scenario is a goal that is contained, yet broad.

Yes, it does in fact affect the outcome as well. I like examples. You want a shelf for some things you want to display on the wall.

Let's say you tell me to "build a shelf," and then you give me a specific type of wood, all the tools I'll need, and an instruction booklet. Your goal is to have this shelf in the picture. Here's the problem; the wood is cheap, the tools don't work they way I want, and these instructions are so inefficient that it makes no sense to me. Oh yeah, and I have no idea what we're trying to accomplish... is this even the right thing to do? Every time I look at this, I get very demotivated and do something else. By the end, you likely won't have a shelf, and if you do, it's not going to be a good one.

However, if you tell me "I need something to hold these things" that's too broad. Do you want a shelf, do you want a table, do you want me to build it, buy it? I'll get stuck in overwhelm and just never end up doing it because I don't know what you want. I'll either build you something way off base, or just be so frustrated that I'll tackle another major goal instead to make up for the fact I couldn't do your original ask.

The correct way to give me the goal is this - "I want to put these things on the wall, please find a way to do it." - This is contained; as in I see what you want to do and the end goal. You also gave me the playground, aka the freedom to do it in the way that suits me best. I am able to have the guard rails I need to keep me where I need to go, but I also have the opportunity to create my own interest and challenge in the goal.

The problem here is the outcome; technically you wanted a shelf. You already knew that from the get go. Chances are, in order to create interest and novelty, I am not going to make a shelf - I'll make something different that holds your stuff on the wall. I got to the end goal. Yes, this happens in the workplace all the time to me. It's not what they wanted, but I did it, and there was clear purpose and intention behind it.

One important thing for me I didn't put into it's own section, but I'll give it a few sentences here; interruptions. It's already hard enough to get started and create some sort of environment for progress, when I get interrupted, it's more and more defeating each time. Let's be real though; life doesn't come without interruptions. Especially if you have children, or are in some sort of operational role. It's not their fault, but there's a ton of things I just give up on, just things I never got completed because I was interrupted too much and now have a sour taste in my mouth for it.

Look, I have big dreams, big feelings, and a smart mind. The problem is that the very system all of that is built on... just doesn't operate the way society would want me to operate. Learning to operate the way I was built isn't the same as the world has taught me... and that's okay. It's just a lot of undoing these expected ways and being good with the way I operate.

For what your average person would consider a stream, I have a river. Your stream you can step into, and it's mostly like ankle deep. Sometimes it's knee deep. It really all depends on where in the stream you're trying to go and if you feel like getting wet or not, and even if you don't, you can find boots and do it anyway. You can step out, step back in, easily pass over it... it's just simple.

My operation is more like a river; it's powerful, it's broad, and it can be insanely helpful, but it's also unpredictable. Things downstream and upstream can affect how tame, deep, or wide the river can be. I need to be on a boat to do anything on it, or I am just sitting at the shoreline fishing for things I can't see. Even with the boat, if it's windy day or something, the boat can go off course. Sometimes there's other boats and obstacles I have to dodge.

So telling someone with ADHD to just jump in their stream and just do it, is actually you telling them to go drown in the middle of their river. It's much harder to build a boat in the middle of the river than on the shoreline. I wish more people understood that. I just wish there were more systems built for people like me, so it didn't always feel like I am working against the grain.

That's really what it feels like trying to make goals in any capacity.