ADHD - Living With It

For a very long time, I always knew there was something different about me. There's so many things that just didn't make sense in life, that didn't operate the same way I did. Everything seemed so antithetical. Growing up, I was always considered very intelligent, being up for magnet schools, STEM-type programs, honors and above things... but there were a lot of things that held me back. So what I'd do is often shortcut things. I know that I need to take history in high school, but my gosh, it's just regurgitation. Most people would learn and ask questions... I would honestly struggle to stay awake and focus. So instead, I started figuring out "what do they actually want out of me?" - and the answer was at least 60 on my grades, and most of my grades revolved around tests. So screw homework, screw studying, all I need to do is focus on the tests. If I can pass the tests, I can get a 60. So instead of actually learning about history, I learned how to effectively take a multiple choice test. Even today having to be certified in things, most of them are multiple choice. Typically, it's pretty easy. There are usually 4-6 answers, half of them are completely nonsensical, the other half are usually just common sense. "Who was the first US president?" - two of the answers are celebrities from the 20th century, one answer is a president from world war II and there's now only one answer left.

Now fast forward to when I was tired of living life on the edge financially. I needed something to advance, I ended up in trade school to get some certifications in technology. Again, I couldn't really pay attention in class and the crap bored me to death... however I couldn't just "multiple choice guess" my way out of this no... my goal here was different. I need to know the technology to pass these certification tests. So naturally, the class setting sucked, I had no interest, I couldn't pay attention. Well crap, how do learn this stuff... oh I know! What if I skipped all the dang studying, books, and stuff, and just started practically applying the knowledge? What if I worked backwards? So that's what I did. And 3 months into an 9 month course, I pretty much completed the whole dang thing, to the point where I was teaching the class on one of certs.

Fast forward again now to my career, which was hard to get off the ground in the first place. Nearly every place I worked was tailored with goals, objectives, and all that jazz, and I just don't operate along those lines. I was often successful, but soured many jobs by often being rebellious and misunderstood. This led to me job hopping about once a year... it was tough. I didn't realize at the time though there was something different about me, but rather I thought I just picked some really garbage companies to work for (some were actually, but that's not the point). I was smart about it though, every job was a new venture, where I specifically picked jobs with variety and different skillsets, and often times and increase in pay as well. It just never took very long before something went horrifically wrong and I was on the job market again.

Now fast forward to recent times. I ended up with a job that was honestly awesome. A small team that was so overwhelmed with the amount of technological areas they needed to learn, they lacked documentation, automation, and organization; ah it was beautiful. It was free. It didn't matter what I chose to do, it was all important, and I got a lot of recognition for the amazing, often random things I built and did. That led me to several promotions... eventually into leadership, where my soul has practically died. The freedom I once had is gone, replaced with very specific things, specific ways, and limited things to do. Ugh, what the heck is wrong with me and my life?

Now let's talk about what's wrong with all of this and how I learned to live with ADHD, both when I didn't know I had it and when I figured it out.

This lesson was hard. It's a skill, and it killed me for so long. It was just "I am different," it was "I am not normal." A lack of recognition of what this really is tends to lead us to think there's something wrong. While yes, societally and scientifically it's called a "dysfunction" - I'd rather disagree with that wording. Instead of executive dysfunction, I'd call it an executive type. Look, we're not all built the same way, and sometimes that's physically, and sometimes it shows up in invisible ways. For example, let's say you're making a pie and you're making noodles. You can't put your pie in boiling water instead of the oven and expect it cook right. The same thing applies to folks that are built different, that we as a society tend to call neurodivergent (much better term honestly). Not just ADHD, but all the other things - sometimes OCD, Autism, Dyslexia, etc.

I want to pitch something a bit deep here, not so surface level, and it might be confusing and make you question some things... and that's fine. Our culture in the world tends to cling on to what is considered "average" or "normal" - anything that doesn't fall in line with those classifications is considered bad, a problem, or and illness/disability. I'd like you to consider history for a moment; it's only been in the last like 50-70 years that we've really started naming these things, so what did people do across history then, in the other thousands of years we've existed? My theory here is that there were likely a lot of the same struggles, but humanity was likely more accepting of the fact that someone was different. You had different skills, strengths, and weaknesses, and in order to survive in the world where comfort isn't a thing, you had to put people where they shined the most and could be the most productive. Maybe your ADHD of the 1400's was an artist, because they really couldn't study book keeping, medicine, or remember things a normal person could. Maybe your autistic folks were cartographers, writers, or something where dealing with people wasn't a normal thing. Sure, they were weird, but that weirdness was likely interpreted as a gift, where in society nowadays, it's considered a deprivation.

Point being; we're more focused as a society to make people "normal" than to accept them for who they are and fit them in to what would be best. Therefore, don't let society tell you that you're broken; you're not, you're just built different, and that's okay.

I know, you might be like "I thought this was about living with ADHD, not a mind experiment..." - but this is part of it. You can't live with it if you don't understand and accept what it actually is. If you walk the earth thinking you're broken, afflicted with mental depravity, and your physical brain is screwed up... well you're going to believe you'll always be left behind. You can't conform to society, so you are... "less than" others. No. Stop it. Right Now.

My therapist once asked me if I treat myself like I treat my kids. That hit me different. Absolutely not. I hold myself to standard that they aren't expected to meet; they're kids, just trying to understand life and what not. So... aren't you doing the same thing as an adult? If you have an outburst, are you tending to your own needs and cares? Are you forgiving yourself? Are you telling yourself that it's okay to be you?

If you're anything like me, probably not. So what you end up doing is masking your way into and out of everything. I need to play dad today. I need to play engineer right now. I am going into a meeting with C level executives, I need to play confident and organized. I love cool cars and people like that so I need to be all about it. I love stitching, but no one likes that, so I need to keep that to myself. I need to not be quiet and disinterested in this conversation, and I also need to not interrupt people. And to be honest... all of that is super draining. It's exhausting and it sucks.

What's the alternative though? It's be weird, difficult to work with, and just operate how you need to. While you do that though, you need to be compassionate with yourself. It's okay that others are angry or offput. You're good. That's the key there. You'll often feel big emotions and stuff... don't suppress them, treat them with love and care.

Don't let society tell you that you need to be normal. Love yourself and be yourself.

This is probably my biggest struggle in life; planning and scheduling, because these are the basics to buildings habits, and most times I can't do it consistently. I can't do repetitive tasks consistently. I'll get bored and do other things. So I end up in this weird spot where I can do just about anything, but I also can't build a habit most the time to save my life. You could tell me I have 3 months to live unless I build a specific habit, and 4 days in I'll forget, and someone will check in on day 29 and whoops... dang it, guess life is over.

I used to blame myself a lot for this. I would always feel like I am not disciplined enough, I don't have enough willpower or drive, or if I could JUST SIMPLY remember, then all would be good. Thing is, logically this all makes sense. Do a thing everyday at 10am. Simple... for most. The problem is, everything in the ADHD turns into noise very quickly. Set a reminder, you just end up snoozing it 7 times until it's too late. Set a prep routine, but it's fun for a week, then it's boring. Or just you don't see the point in doing it anyway, and you just try to do it, but simply can't. Next thing you know, you're just in a tailspin headache of blame, disappointment, and you feel like you let everyone down.

A lot of times I just can't help it honestly. There are a few things that I found that will help.

1. Have true accountability, someone who can make sure you do the thing. Not like a boss or demand, but rather like a partner. Maybe your habit would be better if someone did it with you.
2. Make the time space, and use the time space as the habit, not whatever you put it in. For example, I have a "morning routine." No it's not actually a routine, but rather anything before 8:30am everyday is "my time." I tend to stick things in there like exercise, article writing (hi!), or sometimes just random things. Notice how there's a blend. It helps a lot.
3. Change the time frame to be more loose. I can't explain why, but if you say "do the thing at 10am" or "do the thing sometime today," if you tell me the latter, it's more likely I'll get it done. Just at some point during the day I'll be like "oh yeah, I need to do the thing" and I'll get it done.

Talk about something public that often makes you look really dumb, often unorganized, and sometimes crazy. I forget everything; from bills, to important work tasks, to simply why I got up or where I left things. I love the videos where some dude sets down his keys, turns around and they are gone. Yeah, that's me.

Now, honestly, our minds are spinning like crazy. You can't just develop better memory. It's not actually a memory problem; it's a mental overload problem. "Do this thing" 6 million thoughts later, you can't remember what happened 5,999,999 thoughts ago. The trick is that you need to have the thought more often, do it right now, or you need to give yourself the time to remember. Let me explain.

Let's take a smaller number of 100 thoughts. You need to say, pay your water bill today. By thought number 28, you've already forgotten about that bill. You won't remember the bill again until 20 days later when you get a red disconnect slip in the mail. Now it's urgent, there's risk, and you do it immediately. So how would you avoid that?

Visibility - If I can't see it, it doesn't exist. A common phrase for ADHD folks. That water bill, I might set it in a high traffic or focus specific area. Like I'll set it next to my work laptop so I see it all the time. I might put it next to the stove so I see it, or my wife sees it and reminds me. In that case, what happens is out of 100 thoughts, though1, 32, 68, and 91 were all about that bill, making it more likely that you'll remember to do it. Doesn't always work, but there's some success here.

Immediate - Sometimes you need to not say "I'll do it later." You know you won't. This method requires you to be a little more disciplined. Put off everything else and just pay the bill. Now, so you don't have a burden looming over you when you think 40 times a day - "Wasn't there something important I needed to do?" Now to be fair, you can't always do this, but if it's small enough, you can.

Time & Space - So remember when I mentioned that I give myself "me" time before 8:30am? I might use that time to take it easy and do something there. Don't make it "important" or a "need" but rather just know that you have like 30 days to do and it would be better to do earlier rather than later. Funny enough, when it no longer seems "important," then it's somehow easier to remember. I don't get it, but it works sometimes.

ADHD folks tend to want to hide it thanks to society, but all that does it put impossible standards on you. You can't just hide the way that you are, at least not without a lot of consequence. It's going to come out, one way or another.

Now transparency needs to be specified here. I am not saying go around and demand things to accommodate your difference or scream "I HAVE ADHD, BE NICE!" to everyone. That literally sets the standards to everyone else that you're either difficult or will inevitably underperform. No no, that's bad. We as folks with ADHD do NOT want that. We want to be treated like everyone else... just know that we aren't going to do it your way.

If you have a boss that says something like - "I need you update this page everyday at 9am," you might need to say something like, "I am not very consistent, but I could squeeze it in once a day" or maybe that you need to delegate it or something. If your partner complains about the house being messy because you need to see things, maybe just say, this helps you. They should understand . If you have a friend group you constantly forget about, be honest. Tell them you would LOVE to talk or hang out with them, but you need them to reach out a little more so you don't accidently get wrapped up in life and forget.

I have another thing here, but I have it's own section, because it's that important. It's related to this. Essentially it's do things your own way.

Know here though... you're always going to have folks that don't understand, and that is perfectly okay. "This isn't hard" or "how could you forget that?" are things I hear VERY often. Don't blame yourself, don't go on a vengeance hunt to justify yourself, just know that you tried.

The other thing I suggest is to try and do things your own way, even if they don't make sense. Like it might be weird that you do something manually instead of using a specific tool, but you do it because it's a little more fun without the tool. That's okay. Maybe your job gives you some stupid process that logically makes sense (or even if it doesn't), but you don't get it or can't really work within it. That's fine, just figure out what you need to to reach the goal and make your own path. It's also important to let folks know that you aren't going to do it their way... trust me, that's why it relates to the last thing.

I'll give you a great example - I often get caught up in planning. I find planning far more fun than actually doing the thing half the time. I can plan you just about anything, and I'll do it with extreme detail. Fantastic, the problem is, my planning is different every time I hop into it, and I like to do it alone. The more people you introduce, the more I just shut down. My company is growing, so of course, they designed a process for planning, one that has a ton of paperwork, conversation, and collaboration. My gosh. I tried to do it once and I thought I needed to quit my job it felt so horribly defeating, and it took me 12x longer than anyone else. I was very upfront with my boss. I said it's too corporate for me and I never want to touch one again, but I'll do whatever I can to help. Now I have this relationship with my boss where he eats that stuff for me and let's me do my thing. He sort of translates my work into the process, because I do in fact do great work... just not the way the company wants me to.

However, I also have a second boss, and that guy is not as helpful and nice. He does things, half completes them, refuses to do the menial stuff, and then complains that I am not doing stuff fast enough. I try to explain to him how I operate, and his response is to try and teach me to do it his way. He tries to tell me what to not say and what to say, who exactly I need to talk to, and what process I need to follow to complete his thing. He will often complain that I am completing things, because I can't really just dive into everything he hands me all the time. It's very demeaning and tend to avoid him at all costs. It's like talking to a brick wall, and he appears to think it is just excuses for laziness, so I have to just accept... yeah working for this guy sucks and we're going to hit heads bunch. Again, that's okay. The compassion for yourself is more important, and you shouldn't change to avoid conflict or become "normal."

To summarize; you know your brain better than anyone. Play to it's strengths and do things your own way, even if they cause conflict.

I often hear that ADHD is a super power, because of hyperfocus periods. However, that only happens when the stars align. You have to have the time, lack of interruptions, interest, and all the tools in front of you to do it. It definitely is a super power, but it's one you can't choose to use; you have to take advantage when it shows up.

The other thing about this "super power" is that it is fickle. It can be turned off by just about anything... which is why focus is important. One of the biggest problems I have is starting. For example, I will feel wild hair of inspiration to write a song. I got a melody in my head, I have a drum beat, just all of it. I need to get it out right now or it's going to be lost. I just so happen to have 4 hours of free time, YES! I walk into my office and say, okay let's setup. Then I realize I have to turn everything on, manage all the cables, configure the software to record, make sure the plugins are working, wait for everything to load, etc. etc. etc. - it really isn't that much, but it's a 15 minute delay to record. Immediate defeat. Back to YouTube and brain rot TikTok.

Sigh... So here's what you do; make sure that next time you have that wild hair, that barrier to entry is short and quick. Another good example, not quite as intense, is this blog I created. I CONSTANTLY have the tab open, and often an article as well, and my computer is set to like 4 hours before it falls asleep. So if I have an idea or want to write more of an article, I just literally walk in here and start typing. At work, I'll often have certain tools, tabs, or things open the night before, so when I get some energy in the morning, I can get them done without talking myself out of it.

The other part of that is the folks around you understand and are aware this may happen. If you don't tell folks, you'll just awkwardly disappear, or folks will think it's okay to pull you away or disturb you. You can't always avoid it (especially if you have kids), but setting the expectations wherever you are can reduce it. "Oh he disappeared for an hour, he must be doing something. He'll come out when he's done."

The ADHD brain doesn't know time, doesn't care about importance, and it burns very quickly. Energy maintenance is of utmost importance, because we aren't wired to limit energy, we're wired to use it. It's why it looks really different for someone with ADHD to "rest." It doesn't look like rest, it looks like more work. The concept is different though, because we work on energy extremes.

I love examples. Let's say you've been working all day. A person commonly wired might come home, sit on the couch, have a drink, watch some TV. An hour later, they are rested and can cook, clean, put the kids to bed, or whatever needs to be done. This person sat down and calmed down, their body and mind recovered and they have energy again.

That's not how it works... for me at least. I call it decompression, but it's actually energy regeneration. When I need to do something, my mind dumps 100% of effort into it. Now it's going to leave with or without energy; and that's the key. I need make sure that I am doing both things that leave me with energy, and things that leave me without energy. So for example, when I leave work... I really don't enjoy or want to do anything that I do, so I tend to burn 150% of my energy by 5pm when I close the laptop. If I got straight into the other rooms (because I work from home), then what happens is I am depleted. Completely. I end up zoning out, and using small dopamine hits of social media, YouTube, and cleaning to get through the night. However, let's say I take 30 minutes and just play guitar before I go in there because I want to. Then I write a super awesome riff. Oh yeah, my energy level going into the other room now is like 300% and I am playing with my kids, doing all the things, and forget my phone even exists.

I am sure a lot of people have different experiences with energy, but what I've learned is that I have a ton of challenges with energy that just don't look like what others would expect it to be. Learn who you are, and always do things that light you up. It's great life advice for anyone; it's essential for those with ADHD.

Being wired with ADHD gives me a strange outlook on life. Honestly, I am also high intelligence (or gifted as some call it), so there's a double difference. My perspective is different. My operation manual is different. My mind is different. My life is different. And that's okay.

It won't always align with others, and that too, is okay. Instead of conforming to society, be yourself. It may cause conflict and issues, but it will also create a freedom that you can't replicate any other way.

Fill your soul with things you love, and also fill yourself with love as well.