Being A Manager Wasn't What I Thought

This is really less an analytical breakdown type article, but rather a personal anecdote of my few journey's I've had through my times as a leader in various situations at various companies, and what I learned and what it actually taught me. You always hear the term "leader" and it's always synonymous with titles like manager, director, CEO, supervisor, etc. - when really... it isn't. If you kind of wanted a TL;DR, that's not really what it is, but that is the point I'll make at the very end.

Everywhere I've worked, I've really aimed to be the best employee I can be, and that often requires me to think outside of my role. It means I am not just doing what I am supposed to, but often reaching beyond it, challenging norms and trying to expand to make my and my coworkers experience better than it was yesterday. In addition, I get really bored with repetitive and lame tasks, so I often spruce my days up with challenges and what not, top that off with a typically great work ethic in most situations, I end up being a pretty high performer wherever I go. I don't say that to brag, because of course that comes with downsides, lots of them - such as never feeling like I am at my best, pushing myself into burnout frequently, or getting really irritable and frustrated more than I should be (I call it being "salty" but it's not a good thing) just to name a few.

Naturally, these qualities have led me down a few paths to... leadership in a sense.

And all that has been there from the get-go. My very first job was at a craft store thanks to my mom who worked there at the time. I was there, my first job, for 8 months as a "store associate" when they promoted me to Front End Supervisor. I was in charge of making sure stuff got done, I counted all the money and did the drop offs, and I got to help make schedules.

Now what was great about working in retail was that nothing was terribly difficult. Everything had a rhythm, and if you learned that rhythm, then you could add melody on top of it... really just making the job simpler with a little bit of organization. Instead of taking a random basket around the store to put up items, you could take 5 mins separate the carts by department up front, to save about 30-45 mins of walking around the store putting items up... which meant you could also organize the shelves as you went, pick up trash, and tidy up. Not everyone did that of course, but the separation of carts made life easy for everyone at closing.

You also always had plenty of opportunity to help people, working around their schedules, PTO, giving them more hours if they wanted, assisting where you could, and staying super busy to set an example and teach others how to work efficiently.

While not exactly a "people leader" position, this was at a very small company, where I got to manage a lot of equipment, help the escalated requests, and train others on how things worked. Oh yeah, and it was my first real job in the technology sector, so it's kind of crazy getting promoted that early on.

The job was great, because when you're at a small company, you get to learn all the things and wear all the hats, and I loved it, however that's where I got my first real taste of manipulative management. That's for another article though.

If you've ever worked at a startup, the titles are practically meaningless. Here's the thing though; this was an old coworker/friend of mine that started his own company. I was interested in making some cash on the side, so I did part time website work, and learned along the way. The whole time I was picking up skills, making suggestions, and working my way into anything until he brought me on to manage just about the whole tech stack we had.

Now, again, it's a startup; we were a whole like 6 people trying to run a full fledged business, so I was developing, managing and designing DB's, building sales proposals, and all that stuff. I pretty much had my hand in most things we did if I didn't build it myself.

What was great was that I got to help everyone out all the time. DB change? I got it. QA process? I'll develop it, test it, and make sure it works. Need another single page app? I'll develop it. We need some sort of project management? I'll find and implement a good system. I just got to use all of my brain power and it felt great constantly getting to learn, be challenged, and closest to me; help others along the way.

So to summarize where I am at now, let's have one short paragraph of history. I started this company as a Level 2 engineer. A year in I was promoted, mostly for my ideas, automation, and simplifying projects; a really high performer. Our team lead left, I got that, then my manager was being moved off the team, so there was an opening to a supervisor position.

Supervisor was good taste for people management. In 9 months, I did such a killer job that they promoted me to a manager over two teams, leading their supervisors. As a supervisor though, it was nice, because again, I got to help a lot of people; I got to streamline workflows for easier life, I got to be the calm in most storms, setting examples, intaking tickets, assisting with emergencies, and all that jazz. I was basically using my high performance tech skills to advance and do good for others. I essentially avoided anything management related I needed to do but didn't, and made it up for 10x elsewhere.

Then came being a manager... which doesn't really require those skills, but my team always needed help so I was always there, but trying to lead people was much harder for me than anticipated. The most painful part for me was that nearly everything I tried, depended on others to help themselves, and I just constantly felt like I was helping no one. Over the past couple of years, it's been a whirlwind of stuff (including bouts of what I'd call deep self-made depression), but I keep getting rewarded for what a "great job" I do. No it wasn't imposter syndrome, but rather just this lack of personal heart; it was empty and unfulfilled.

Recently though, I got moved to build a new team as manager with technology I don't know, and for the first time in my life, I am NOT doing a great job. I am struggling and complaining. I feel bored and helpless. Yet, my reputation proceeds me and people keep trying to convince me I need to continue when I really have no heart for this.

I really enjoy being a leader, but I don't enjoy being a manager.

Alright thanks for reading! Kidding of course.

I've tried to express this to my own leaders, at the director level and they just don't get it... and I believe it's because they don't understand that "people management" and leadership are two very different things. They are not the same and nor will they ever be.

Management is literally managing the team. "Duh" - yeah okay, let me explain what that means though - it means managing emotions, managing work, ensuring meetings are correct, time isn't wasted, workflows and processes are in place, and that proper updates are made. It requires a heavy hand in people skills if you can't tell. "What are people skills?" - the ability to easily relate, build relationships, and inspire others. That's the point of having a manager in the first place; to be the middle ground between your team and the company, and also keeping your team happy and productive. That also means you have to do a host of different things like presenting in the right way, mince the right words to get a point across, deliver good and bad news, process loads of information, manage projects, etc.

Being a leader is about leading; not managing. There are many ways to be a leader, really only one way to manage, though how you manage can differ. You can lead by example. You can be an expert and lead the team. You can lead specific areas of the business or team or skills to grow bigger. You can inspire and take others along on journey's with you. You can lead a meeting, lead an incident, etc. Being a leader means you are front and center in what's happening, operating to success where others follow.

You can be a garbage manager, and a great leader. You can be a great manager, and an absolute dumpster fire as a leader. You can in fact be both, or you can be neither.

Me? Well I love being a leader. I like to blaze trails. I love to come up against tough issues and just fail and try again. I love to be a calm in a storm and just get to the heart of the puzzle. I love to think about the comfort and complacency we face and aim to disrupt it. I love having ideas, taking immediate creative action to bring it to life, and make others happy. I love creating for others, training others, and really making sure people leave happier then they came.

However, I just absolutely do not fit as a manager. I really don't build relationships, I show care through service and productivity. I really hate working in areas where I can't have direct impact. I can't sit here around 8 other managers or even my team, knowing all of their issues, why they exist, and not being able to do a single thing to help. It feels like I am locked up. I can help no one. Am I technically helping them? Well yes, but I am not impacting them, which is what my personal conviction wants me to do.

"As a manager you help people all the time" - yeah I know, but it doesn't help that feeling of helplessness to really make the impact I want. I have many deep thoughts, an analytical brain, and a skillset that is malleable, so I can do just about anything... except when you put me in a position where I just need to basically keep the norm with very little clarity. I feel unproductive. I attend meetings where I add little to no value. I respond to questions I have to filter to others. I have to demand, pressure, and deal with inconsequential things to my heart, like cost, resources, and hiring. Also all the dang hoops and paperwork and HR trainings... it's exhausting.

It requires a specific skillset to be a people leader - though you can get away with not having great skills there, but having expertise on the team. You can get away with being a trailblazer of a person, but being a terrible manager. Though, the best managers I've ever had in my life, were not techs, engineers, or workers at all, but they were great with people.

I am built to service. I am not built to manage. I've accepted that now. Which is why I am looking to get out of management in the very near future. Not because of fear of failure or anything, but rather because I want to be somewhere that I can actually impact others, being a light in a dark room, and show my love and care through what I do best - my physical service.

We'll see where it goes. I hope someone can relate here, and maybe learn a thing or two and make a better decision about their own lives.