Fulfillment - Why?

So this is a less objective or analytic post. This one is a tad bit different because it’s so personal; the idea of fulfillment and why I am discovering why it is important. There’s a lot I am still working through, and a lot of the journey is still to come, yet I wanted to pause and just kind of thought vomit out on the page.

My career has always been so odd for me. I’m not passionate about tech; but I am very passionate about helping others. I get somewhat of a thrill of learning new things, finding new ways to do old things, and making things easier. I operate exceptionally well with technology because it’s all logic based, and I am able to connect long strings of logic together and be outside the box while I do it. I also love a good puzzle, and tech has plenty of troubleshooting opportunities out there that scratch that itch.

Then comes the part of being tech I am not so good at - the communication, politics, and the people problems. Meetings are confusing and exhausting. People seem to misinterpret the simplest of things. Politics can make the most fun projects unbearable.

Here‘s the thing about me though; I absolutely am a rebel. I don’t like being told what to do, how to do it, or be pressured to do things a certain way or by a certain time. Over the years however, this very set of problematic things for me has done nothing but help me excel, because I challenge everyone‘s crap.

So now here I am, 12+ years into a career of being a generalist, breaking through into management. To be honest, because I wanted change for my team I was on. At first, it was amazing. I was killing the game; I made all sorts of workflow changes, leading by example, creating opportunities, etc., but to be honest, avoiding all the things that just sucked.

In fact, I did such a great job that I became a leader of leaders - promoted to a manager, and my direct reports being supervisors. Yay!

Or… not really. I had bad imposter syndrome for a long while. I felt like I was doing nothing. My work wasn’t good enough. And I just kept getting more and more frustrated and working harder and harder until I finally realized… yeah I was doing a good job. I broke the syndrome, but I was still just… not happy. Still exhausted.

Then I realized I was burnt out. I started taking all the days off, working 8 or less hours, and really loading back what I felt responsible for and delegating. All great things to do as a manager… but still, I feel like absolute garbage.

So then I’m over analyzing everything. I go into this spiral of depression over it. I break down my days, my role, all of it. I can’t honestly tell at this point what is right or wrong, what feels good or doesn’t… judgement stands in my way all along the way; telling me what I SHOULD do vs what I want to do.

Ha - finally, it’s misalignment. Sweet! Now I start asking myself… why is this misalignment so important? If I align back to my natural state, then what good does that do? So I continued on, even to the point where I hardly had anything to do, eliminating anything that didn't align with me.

Okay... so there I am in a role where literally the entirety of has been eliminated or offloaded because I don't want to do any of it. Yeah... what now? I had to reflect a lot and ask the tough question, which isn't normally tough for your average person of "well what makes you happy?" and through a lot of depressing days and empty feelings, developed into "what actually fills your soul?"

Here's the discovery for me, the piece where this article will end at without a clean answer, so be prepared; I started paying attention to something beyond my mind and body. I have found, to be open and honest here, through the Bible that we have a spiritual side to us. Now sure, you don't have to believe to feed and develop your spirit, but it's that unexplainable piece of us that you can't actually put into words.

I'll use a metaphor instead. Let's suppose you're eating a meal. For your body, it needs both nutrition and liquid. However, think about the context of your meal and how that can make or break it. If you having a meal with your worst enemy, it's going to be different than your best friend, and it'll be different than eating a meal on your own. In the case of a meal alone, it's just a necessity; there is no meaning beyond "I need to live." Sure, you ate, you're alive, but that's it. In the case of your worst enemy, your meal may have anger, resentment, anxiety, or something negative attached. You may even be on edge, and come out of it exhausted. However, what's different about that meal with your best friend? That meal hit different, even if the food was terrible. You could share your thoughts, make a connection, and you'll end up feeling good afterwards.

This is what your spirit is. That meal with your friend doesn't just have an objective to eat to live, but a purpose. Your soul (is what I call spirit, it's interchangeable for this article and my writings) thrives upon purpose. The more you feed it, the better your experience in life will be. This is why I believe we need God. He gives us an ultimate purpose, He makes our life inherently full of purpose.

So that lead me to ask a question that others have been asking me, including the Bible, my therapist, and friends... in various ways, "why are you not operating with love?" This was confusing. I had been depriving my soul of love a good chunk of my life. I have no problem giving it, creating it, and putting love into anything... except myself. Over the years, I had plenty of ways to dump love into just about everything, however we're all built differently. We all have different skills, gifts, and general tendencies and talents to which help us deliver love effectively. The more love we can give, the better we'll be in life. However, the discovery I made was simply that I cannot give love if I have none myself. I cannot give what I do not have.

That is where I ended up. After so many years of slowly degrading myself, I reached the end. I can give no more, because I have no more to give. What little I allowed in, was immediately released into something. So now here I am in life, realizing that I need to accept love, receive love, and also... as painful as is it to write this... give myself love. I must have fuel in my car for it to drive. Without the love, I have no fuel to move. Instead of simply draining what little I can get, I need to focus on filling up my tank so I can keep moving. It's all about the intake and the output... not just the about the output.

So as I take this back to my work, my life, and my family, things are shifting. Slowly but surely, shifting. The more love I let it, the better life is. It isn't really that simple though, because my brain tries to tell me it isn't enough. I should feel differently, I should operate differently. My feelings come from my soul though, and they are strong and uncontrolled. I am still developing the discipline to know and understand feelings are good, and deserve love as well. Grief, pain, anger, sorrow... there's still peace there. It's hard to dig out.

So now this article comes to an end. We are here now, and part of the reason this little blog or thought dump of a site, whatever you want to call it exists, is for this reason. As I learn to love myself, I realize that sharing what I've created, thought about, and go through, is one way of loving myself.

I hope maybe at least one person reads and relates here. It's not easy, but I see where this is going. The peace I look for came to me through Christ, and through Him I am filling up with love. The example was set, and the life we're meant to live is starting to become extremely visible. God has put my family, my friends, my church, my job, and my therapist all in my path I believe to help me discover this. He hasn't left me alone, he's set up all the pieces to break down the walls and help me learn to feed my soul with love, and through that overflow, I can share the light and love within me through God with others.