Sharing A Career Struggle

Alright, so you may notice a gap compared to the rest of my posts that... it's been slow lately. To be completely honest, I always have a lot to say, but lately, I've just been struggling and struggling a lot. I am tagging this as both tech and Christian, so whichever side of the aisle you're on here, take what you will from it. I work in the tech field and I believe in Jesus; they are not separable.

I don't personally think I owe anyone any sort of explanation, but my hopes here are the same as they always are; that if I share my struggles, maybe someone can relate, may experience and bypass, or just may find some sense of hope with my situation... which by the way, just isn't over yet.

I don't really dive into too much detail, but I do want to build the leadup here, specifically with the place I work now, as it's really pertinent to what's happening.

I originally started here in 2020, just as a regular engineer. I quickly picked up stuff, excelled at the job and just killed it. By a year in, I was promoted to senior. Then some stuff happened... my team lead left, I got promoted again. A few months later, my manager was being moved, so they offered a "supervisor" position, I applied and got it. Here's where I want to pause a moment.

Up to the end of my supervisor days - this was an awesome journey. My faith was growing, God was opening doors when I asked, things just fell into place at every single turn. The job itself... was just built for me. The crazy, fast paced, always an emergency nature of what I was doing, as well as the insane amount of areas the team was expected to know, just bred me into a well known, well respected, and dependable person with the right mindset. It was awesome.

Then... in 2024, I was promoted to manager. What this did was put me over two teams, and my reports were the supervisors, one of each team. Very different than the "in the pit" crazy stuff I was doing as an engineer and supervisor. Something here has honestly always felt a little off.

I would like to now summarize Jan - Sept of 2024 in a nutshell.

One of my supervisors actually just killed it. They listened, they took advice, I worked with them a lot... however the other one worked at night. They weren't exactly around all the time, however managing them meant I needed to be more in tune, joining late night meetings and all of the sorts. That supervisor, was very protective, often combative. I spent a TON of time learning about that team, that supervisor, their workflow, building dashes, slide decks, making suggestions and hoping for the best.

During that time, unknowingly, I left pretty much everything happening during the day to the supervisor, not even realizing for a while that they were STEPPING UP. I was barely involved in anything besides some cross functional initiatives and efforts here and there. I was slowly killing off my 1x1's since the supervisor was doing them as well.

Then something strange happened; the supervisor of the night team... they didn't want to be there anymore. I worked with my boss to get them moved off, and a plan was set in motion to get them moved basically the next year. However... that meant that all of my effort was going to need to stop. I could keep the lights on, but that didn't require much from me. If a new leader was going to be over them soon, there wasn't much I could do.

That was September. Let's move on.

At this point now... I really had very little forward momentum. It had essentially halted. My whole objective in 2024 was to straighten out what the night crew was doing, but all the while and focus I put on was for the night crew. The day crew supervisor was basically managing their end... well enough that I didn't need to be there. There was almost no where I could actually help out. Now that the night crew was going to have new leadership, there wasn't much I could do to help them.

I had imposter syndrome for about a month; thinking I was useless... but really, just what I was doing just sucked. Make tickets, intake projects, talk to people... just a bunch of boring nonsense, and it made me feel useless. So I started going on this like... journey in 2024 to "fill the void" for lack of better words.

I changed my diet, lost 60lbs. Started taking more supplements, less brain fog. Picked up a few new hobbies, worked on music, bought more things, made some real progress in therapy, wrote a lot more.

It did nothing. Just nothing. I still felt awful, and I was telling my boss about how I really didn't like being a manager. He helped reframe a bunch of things, and now I see the importance of my job... but I just couldn't lay a finger on why I still hated it so much.

So in the beginning... I just cleared it all. I laid down everything I was doing and decided what to cut that just sucked. I stopped attending a lot of repetitive meetings. I used some I HAD to be there for to play guitar. I cut out all my 1x1's, because well they felt pointless... except for the supervisors of course. That was required, but I made them less frequent. I stopped doing a lot of boring stuff. I stopped the more frustrating parts of the job (HR stuff, goals, etc.) and just started half butting them to get them out the way.

Still nothing. Man. It's got to be management. I had many conversations of wanting to be moved, however I keep getting told how great a leader I was. So a new team was being formed, I was offered up as tribute... being told that the thought was a new team, a new fire, I'd kill it.

But I am not. It's pretty much one of the worst jobs I've ever had in my career. I have no knowledge or expertise in this area... so it's all process, interviews, paperwork, and just... talking. Objectives and goals aren't clear. The people were taken by surprised that moved to the team. It's been an awful experience.

I've prayed about this multiple times. What I keep getting is shepherding my skills, do the work God gave you, and most importantly and most repetitively... be still. That's all I hear, every time I pray; be still.

Here's the thing though; I am miserable. Everything I do feels pointless. I feel powerless to help anyone. The things I do that are important just plain suck. It drains the life out of me every single day, and every night and morning. I've asked to be moved back to my old team, in any capacity, and it keeps getting blocked. I keep trying to learn and develop in this role, and I keep getting stuck. Nothing is moving, and it's been well over a year. So what do I do?

Be Still. Over and over again. I need to stop trying to control it.

I am tossed back and forth all the time. I do one thing that I like and I feel awesome. 12 things later, I am worse than before. All the things I hated in the previous role I now long for... yet I have none. I can't do anything fun because my team is amazing. On the bright side, very little struggles, on the flip side it sucks for me because the basics of management are soul draining corporate bull. I find some ways to move forward, and then I am quickly humbled. I think about leaving and I am quickly shut down.

Be Still. I know, I know, I need to let go of control. My flesh and mind are thrashing about, yet my heart is calm and at peace.

What am I supposed to do here? I’m just kind of stuck. I have no real options, and I am just kind of at the end of my rope here. Part of me feels like I need to do something, but my heart just hurts that I can’t help people with what I’m doing. I feel lost.

Be Still. By this point, I’m tired of hearing that yet… somehow I know I must obey. The market sucks. The benefits of the job are a blessing. What real options do I have?

I don’t know at this point. I really don’t. I know that leadership isn’t working out for me. I know this new isn’t working out. How do I move on?

Be Still. Sigh… okay.

Be still I guess. Wait. Trust. Have faith. I feel like maybe God is waiting on something from me… or maybe He isn’t. I think something will happen at some point. What it is… I don’t know.

I know, not very helpful, but I know there’s light at the end of this tunnel somewhere.

Good Luck out there yall!