The Uncontrolled Letter

This is just an anonymous letter I am just making up in hopes that someone may read this and relate to it. It's about my daily struggles in life and it's a tad personal, but I hope it brings some relatability to someone who needs it.

Dear... anyone,

I find life lately to be extremely difficult where I feel like it shouldn't be. I am constantly suffering from my own head. It won't stop and I seem to have no control over it. I know that you may feel this way too. I just wanted to share with you a little bit of what I am going through. Maybe it'll help me too.

I have this need to perform; to do work and service for others. I love it honestly. Being able to do things and put smiles on people's faces, even if I do it from the shadows is just a blessing in my life. You could consider it my "love language" if you will. If I do things for you, then it likely means I care about you.

Lately however, that's been challenged. I find myself in positions I don't want to be in, things I have no passion or interest for, and a clump of stress that sits in my chest. I keep being told over and over again all the things... ya know? You just need more discipline. You need to reframe what you're doing. You need to eat and exercise. All the great things that help everyone else, but don't ever seem to hit the core of the issues here; that my brain is completely uncontrolled.

I've lost so much weight, I've read all the books, I've implemented 25 different task lists, planners, and mental solutions I could find. I've been to the doctor, I go to therapy, and eat decent, watch my sugar, and take supplements. Yet... I am still here, trying my damn best to serve you and help you and I simply can't. I try, day after day, sometimes crying, sometimes panicking, and sometimes just downright depressed... yet my hands won't do the work because my brain won't let them.

I try to remember to do things around the house and they don't get done. My partner sees it, and I know part of them thinks it's uncaring or laziness, and I know it's not. I pray and pray, I wish and hope, I change and deal with it, and I beat myself mentally to a pulp... yet it keeps happening.

I want to be better, but that's not possible. In fact, it's not about getting better, but rather that I am affected by something I cannot control. I still find myself in a judgement loop. I torture myself for the awful things I don't intentionally do. I hate myself for every stupid thing I've said and focused on. Then I wonder why I feel depressed. There's no winning here. I can't control what happens.

It feels so hopeless... but I think I've found the answer.

I think... my brain is not meant to be controlled, but rather it's expecting flow. It doesn't want to be told what to do, but it wants me to allow it to do what it wants. If I can just line up the dominoes that appease my head, I can have them knock it down systematically... that is... if I have the opportunity. If I am not giving it the opportunity, then it will shut down.

I've got to make changes here. I've got to free up things. I've got to give it options, those filled with passion, fire, and light. If I can give it nothing but good things to do, and that it wants to do... then maybe that's the key.

I guess my friend... we'll see how it goes. I sure am tired of living in the abyss of stress.

Live and Love Life Dear Reader.