Who's Got This Problem? - Pt.1

This is not a review or any real thought or anything, but rather some problems I encounter frequently... and I guess I am just making this post, so if you read it, just know you aren't alone. If you don't relate, know that others may be experiencing it, and it's helpful to know.

I already know I have more of these, but I have some ones right now that are really bugging me. I'll just toast to these big 3 as of today (and a bonus).

I've had this problem recently that's been rather frustrating, which is me shutting down at work. At first, I thought it was just me... just a mindset thing, or maybe I needed some wins, or I just needed to "Dive in" (because I just recently got moved to a new team). Then I thought... well maybe if I switch up my home routine, re-arrange my office, read a new book, post more blogs, write and record some music... something will give me some sort of wave to ride. Then, maybe I'll connect with God a little more. Do more reading, praying, and writing. Okay then maybe I'll go back to some new system of productivity to help me get things done.

Let me tell you - none of that worked. Which is odd. Typically I'll hit a rut in life, and usually just one of those things work. If it's real bad, then maybe 2 or 3. Even in a rut though, I don't have full shutdowns. It's usually just difficulty getting past certain things.

Recently though, man, things are piling up. I've got so many things to do, I know I NEED to do, I got several unresolved issues, things to set up, and deadlines fast approaching. It's also a new team with new technologies, which for me is typically SUPER exciting. I love learning new technologies and figuring out their shortcuts and just straight winning.

Problem is... I get super excited about the thought of all of it... then when I open up my laptop and put my keys on the board, I lock up completely. Like in my head I am like "yeah dude you are bad dude, ready to kick butt and you got this stuff bro. It's simple, it's easy, let's goooooooo" and my body is just silent. So I push myself... really hard into starting something and my brain is naturally fighting it so hard, to the point to where I've started something and it takes forever to do it, or I abandon it halfway through due to sheer mental exhaustion.

I am fighting against judgement there, and I've given myself grace. It just feels like I am missing that part of my brain that turns desire and wants into action. I don't get it. It's very frustrating, especially when your livelihood is on the line.

I am already a very forgetful person, but the last point along with a VERY busy life lately has me... just absolutely exhausted, so when I am at that point, it's like my brain is absolute mush. Like an old shepherd's pie of random crap that's been sitting out too long.

Some days are better than others, but like it's the small things. Those small things often tend to hurt others unintentionally. The guilt and empathy that comes with it too, like I get what I am doing, but I don't do it on purpose. "Hey can you bathe the kids?" - yeah sure, as I wipe the counter. Next thing I know, 45 mins went by, the kitchen is spotless... and the kids haven't even touched water. "Can you text this person and let them know something?" - yeah sure, as soon as I get to a stopping point... except my brain was a void and I forgot for a week, and now it's too late.

Let's also not forget meetings, conversations, and nebulous messages. I already have enough of a struggle with those when I am full of energy, but oh my gosh. Last week I had an "in person" day where I sat with 6-9 other people and we talked about work all day. The next day, I looked at my notes, I reviewed AI's dump of our conversation... and it felt like I wasn't even there. Like I was reading notes and transcriptions of people I never knew, and a meeting that I missed. I was there though. The amount of balls I dropped lately too because someone messaged me, and I don't respond until it's an emergency, or I caused a problem.

I don't know y'all. It's been bad lately.

Look, I have a ton of projects I want to work on; from wood burning to music, to writing a novel to this very blog. And much more. I find myself in these spots lately where I am into too many things. That doesn't even include the family stuff, cleaning, kids things, etc. So many dang options.

In fact so many, that whenever I get the chance to be alone... I just end up cleaning with YouTube in the background. Not music, not wood stuff, not writing, just cleaning. Then whenever I get 5 spare minutes, I come in here and start writing an article like this, or rapidly try to record guitar.

Other times, I have so many options, that I can't focus on any single one. I'll write two paragraphs of an article, I'll record one riff of a song (when I've got like 3 full songs in the backburner), then I'll start planning a novel, then I'll read 10 pages of a book, then I'll pray, then I'll re-organize something... and 3 hours goes by, and I feel very unaccomplished. I would've been much happier getting one full thing to completion, but instead I touched everyone and completed nothing.

Sigh... what a life. Thankful and grateful though that I can do all these things.

So I know most people are like "I have a task, must do task" and their brain kicks in a mode that just auto-drives into the task and it's done. Most people have 1, maybe 2 hobbies, not 10. Most people have a big dream, or maybe a couple big dreams... not a new one every week that compile over time. People forget things, but it's usually rare and meaningless, not all the freaking time.

So... how do you explain to someone the problem of shutdown, extreme forgetfulness, and option bonanza boat to someone who literally can't comprehend it? They see the forgetfulness as rude, the shutdown as laziness or rebellion, and the option overload as a lack of discipline. To them, it's impossible to relate because they have legit never felt this way before.

They've been out of energy. They've made choices to not to do something. They've procrastinated... but all of those things are legit reasons, sometimes just straight choices or lack of discipline. "My brain doesn't work like yours" I've learned is a phrase that people don't understand, or rather don't take seriously. I think society has made neurodivergence and differences into something that isn't really acceptable. I am not looking for special treatment person, I WANT to do the things you want me to do... but there's something different about me and I can't. There's no way I can explain it that won't come off as an excuse or make me look like a problem child, when it's a legit struggle.

Life is tough. I know there's many others out there with worse lives, and I am super blessed to live in America, have a great job, and do the things I do. That doesn't stop me from feeling overly frustrated. In the past month or so, the high level of frustration, anger, stress is just killing me.

Transparently, in the last week, I've had to hold myself back from breaking things. I've cried, I've paced the room with an uncontrollable heartbeat. I've sat in the corner and talked to myself. I've also sat and self reflected, made many attempts to change my mindset, and I've been finding a lot more peace in life... which is absolutely great, but the issues are still happening. While I am at peace with myself, I can't help but get emotional.

For those who may not know - these things are like... let's say I put you in handcuffs, sit you in a chair and tie you up. Then I tell you to send an email or I'll drive your car into a river. You can't. You literally can't type that email. You are handcuffed with your hands behind your back, you body and feet tied to a chair. There's literally nothing you can do. You can try to smash your head on the keyboard if you wiggle your way over there, but it still won't get done fully.

That. That's what it feels like. Then accompany that with everyone thinking you're making excuses, you're lazy, or difficult... but you literally can't help it.

Sigh... anyway. I hope that was fun. It felt good to get that out of my head. Thanks!